Point to Ponder: This world is not my home

Verse to Remember: 2 Corinthians 4:18 (NIV)

Question to Consider: How should the fact that life on earth is just a temporary assignment change the way I live right now?

This one is hard... because life doesn't feel temporary. The seven years I was overwhelmed by depression while I lived in SF... did not feel temporary. They felt like a never ending nightmare from which there was no waking. My life is so much better now... but it still feels permanent. I know there is an eternity... but right here and now is so very right here and now. My problems seem life size to me and it seems that just when I've chopped the head off of one dragon another one pops up to take its place. Knowing that life here is only the tip of the iceberg hasn't made me any more at peace with life. It hasn't made me happier, nicer, warmer or fuzzier.

My prayer? Lord... I am all too focused on the here and now. I don't know how to live as if I was an alien here. I don't get this. I don't know how to believe this enough to live it.

Point to Ponder: Life is a test and a trust

Verse to Remember: Luke 16:10a

Question to Consider: What has happened to me recently that I now realize was a test from God? What are the greatest matters God has entrusted to me?

Before I answer the question, I must say how much I enjoy this chapter in the book. He asks how you see life..  what's your metaphor for life? Is it a race? Or a game? Do you see life as a circus? Or a party? However you see life is the way you'll live it. According to Warren if you see life as a game, winning will be everything. If it's a party... you'll just want to live it like it's 1999. Me? I always saw life as an accident waiting to happen. Or an uphill battle. Even seeing it as the test that Warren presents it as was a bad thing because I only saw it in terms of "Pass" or "Fail."

With the SAT tests well underway and the report cards behind me... I finally see that there are variants between that "A" and that "F." I've known this for years... but never felt like it applied to my life. The things that I think I'm failing at? As cheesy as it sounds I sat down and wrote out a report card... and I didn't get all "Fs" on my current level of performance. I'm hitting a C to a C- average... which isn't great... but it's not failing either.

My most recent test? The porn. Hands down. Literally. I'd get in a LOT less trouble if I just kept my hands down. All gross humour aside, it was a test and I blew it big time during the vacation... but then redeemed myself by making myself accountable to the pastor's wife and getting that software that will let her know when I view any kind of porn. So the total F I earned during Spring Break... averaged out with the A+ with the accountability. See: A C+. I can live with that. My thinking needs to stop being so polarized. God is not expecting perfection. Why do I?

As for the trust part? God is trusting me with my kids. Those nine little lives that he entrusts to my care daily and I'm not perfect with them either. Glaringly not... but I do love them and on this, I don't think there can be a grade. Love... no matter how small... is a good thing.

Point to Ponder: There is more to life than just here and now

Verse to Remember: 1 John 2:17 (NLT)

Question to Consider: Since I was made to last forever, what is the one thing I should stop doing and the one thing I should start doing today?

This is hard for me becuase I can't conceive a heaven. I picture people hanging around singing to hymns while accompanied to organ music and I just want to go running into the night screaming. I can't imagine how or where you'd squeeze in all the believers that EVER were with all their different doctrinal beliefs and styles of worship... how you'd squeeze them all into the same place and expect them to peacably co-exist. When I was really depressed I didn't WANT to exist forever. I wanted to die by the time I was 30. When I got saved I thought my problems would all go away. In many respects, they not only didn't go away, they were magnified and multiplied. At my darkest moments I felt like a failure at life but too afraid to actually kill myself... and yet the idea of living like that forever...? It drove me crazy.

That all being said... it doesn't change the fact that I am made to last forever or that there is an eternity. Warren's main point was that the current trials and dramas of my life are but a blink in the scope of all things. The problems I have now won't be the same problems I have a year from now. Similar maybe... but not the same. I kept fearing more abuse and hurt because I kept experiencing it at what seemed to be every turn. No matter what I have seen or experienced, I need to start understanding the truth: This is not all He wrote. I can say it... but I don't believe it yet. Not completely. If I really understood this... I wouldn't worry. No qualifiers like "not so much" either. I wouldn't worry at all. I wouldn't be bound up in so much fear either. That's both what I should stop doing and start doing. I should stop worrying and being afraid.... and I should live my life like I'm not worrying or being afraid.

Point to Ponder: Living on purpose is the path to peace

Verse to Remember: Isaiah 26:3

Question to Consider: What would my family and friends say is the driving force of my life? What do I want it to be?

Rick Warren hit it on the head in this chapter. He talked about what are the big common driving forces in people. He calls 'em driving forces I call 'em "dragons." Potato/Patato. I think the order they drive me is different than what he listed them as though. He lists guilt, resentment and anger, fear, a need for approval... he also mentions materialism, but I'm happy that there's some vice I haven't cornered the market on. Fear is the number one driving force for me. I would LOVE to say that my faith guides everything I do, but if that was the case I would struggle the way that I do. I think most people see me as much more spiritual than I am just because I can string words together all nice nice. God IS my life... but much too often I listen to fear instead of him. I get all bent out of shape and twisted up in knots. Feelings used to drive me too. My bipolar used to have me on a short leash. I am thankful that my bipolar is under control. I'm also trying to make obedience to God a driving force in my life. I'm trying to put obedience and love for Him over my fear of that other shoe that is always waiting to drop. I want faith, hope, and love to be my driving force.

Point to Ponder: I am not an accident

Verse to Remember: Isaiah 44:2 (CEV)

Question to Consider: I know that God uniquely created me. What areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance and I struggling to accept?

Ok. I've come a long way on this one since I read the book last. I used to resent the fact that I was bipolar. I felt broken and useless like I'd never amount to anything at all. I thought I'd never be loved or healthy or whole. My entire mind seemed to be worthless as I struggled with the porn and my constant negative thoughts. My history of career failure was something I couldn't accept. It used to push the suicide button all the time. And I won't even start in on how I felt about my physical appearance. I looked over what I'd written in the hard copy journal and I can see that my internal struggles in these areas are not so intense... but they are still there.

I try to see me the way that God sees me and the way that others see me and I just don't see it. Can I see good in me? Yes, I do. I can... but it is easier to see the things that are wrong. I used to struggle with accepting my weight. I'm not exceedingly overweight... but I'm overweight. Now, after years of being told to "accept myself" and my weight... the doctor is telling me my cholesterol is high and that I have to lose weight. I have to change my eating and exercise habits. Where is the line between accepting yourself and knowing that you need to take care of yourself? There's a lot about me that I am struggling to accept... but my mind is no longer trying to stage a coupe. I can peacefully live in my own skin now. I don't want to die anymore. I'm not an accident by virtue of the fact that God planned me. My life feels like an accident waiting to happen... but again, I'm stopping to pray:

God? If there are no accidents and I'M not an accident.... help. I'm feeling tense and overwhelmed. Job and finances. My stressors have tag-teamed me. No longer Relationships (past) and Home Life.