Day   11: Becoming Best Friends with God

Point to Ponder:  God wants to be my best friend

Verse to Remember: Psalm 25:14a

Question to Consider:

What can I do to remind myself to think about God and talk to him more often throughout the day?

In the book, Rick Warren starts out mentioning “constant conversation.” I never shut up. I’ve got this one mastered. I talk to God ALL the time because he’s the only person I know who LIKES to listen to me 24/7. I think that was one of the first things I connected to God over is the fact that I could talk to him anywhere at anytime and he would hear me. I think where I need to grow in this is that I need to listen to him more, especially when I’m starting to spiral downward. I need to cry out to him… but I can’t let my cries drown out his response.

The second thing mentioned in the book is “continual meditation.” I used to inhale my bible the year I got saved. It was like I was a bible junkie. Then again, I think I was sliding into a manic phase too… so the fact that I couldn’t sleep and just wanted to stay up all night reading my bible could have been faith with an equal measure of mental illness mixed in. But he uses everything, right? I used to write scripture on my hand. I started memorizing the entire first chapter of the book of James back when I had a memory. Now? I don’t inhale so much. Waiting to inhale? Excuses. I’m not sure what I can realistically commit to so the jury is still out on this question. I don’t like those “bible in one year” things that churches push starting Jan. 1… I need something structured or I won’t do it… but not too structured or I won’t do it. Hmmm…. Suggestions?

Day   10: The Heart of Worship

Point to Ponder:  The heart of worship is surrender

Verse to Remember: Romans 6:13b

Question to Consider: What area of my life am I holding back from God?

Warren made an excellent point as soon as the horse was out of the gate. He said that there are “three barriers that block our total surrender to God: fear, pride, and confusion.” My bipolar senses started tingling when I read that one.  What am I holding back from God? Total surrender...

Rick Warren then asked a purpose driven the question: Can I trust God?

 In the margins from a previous reading I wrote “Fear.” I used to be afraid to trust God. Some of the worst pain of my life has come from stepping out in faith to follow God only to get the ultimate smack down from other Christians. I used to wait for the other shoe (which was the size of several small Japanese villages) to drop. When it dropped (and it always did) I’d say, “See! I knew it” and pull back just a bit more from trusting God. After this past nightmare year dealing with the fallout from my relationship and my horrible job back in California I trust God more than I ever have… but I still have trust issues and I’m not going to fake like I don’t. What would putting on a front accomplish? Not a whole hell of a lot. Since the point of this blog is to help in my growth, honesty is foundational. So, God? I love you with all of my heart… but I still afraid to trust you for things. Help. That’s what I’ll write in the margins next to today’s retro date. “Help.” I’m not as scared as I was… so I’ve grown.

The second barrier: Admitting our limitations

If I’m honest, this is at the source of a lot of Bipolar Girl’s depression.  “When faced with our own limitations we react with irritation, anger and resentment. We want to be taller (or shorter), smarter, stronger, more talented, more beautiful, and wealthier. We want to have it all and do it all, and we become upset when it doesn’t happen. Then when we notice that God gave others characteristics we don’t have, we respond with envy, jealousy, and self-pity.” (pg. 37) In all those posts that I would write about my “dragons” that follow me… I’d mention the Dragon Fear… and he was always followed by that Shaggy Beast Self-Pity. I don’t like what my bipolar has done to me. I used to be brilliant in college. A complete psycho… but my mind was my treasure. For years my bipolarized mind became the enemy trying to kill me. Now? I hate that the meds slow me down and I can’t remember so very very much. My list of limitations is long and I’ve TRIED to do a lot of that stuff and failed, so it wasn’t for lack of trying. Accepting my limitations? I’m not there yet.

  My prayer? Lord,  help me accept the limitations that you have put on me… but give me the discernment to see what you’d have me seek to overcome.

Day 9: What Makes God smile?

Point to Ponder:  God smiles when I trust Him.  

Verse to Remember: Psalm 147:11 (CEV)

Question to Consider: Since God knows what is best, in what areas of my life do I need to trust him most?

That’s a no brainer. I need to trust him more with my heart. The only reason my last relationship was able to break it so badly was because I put all my faith in my ability to make the relationship work. I was so fearful in that relationship that it would fail and how I’d be left with nothing. Well, it DID fail… this week marks the “anniversary” of him telling me he loved somebody else and I may not be where I want to be… but I can’t say that I have been left with nothing because my faith is stronger. Bipolar Girl is neither broken nor unlovable. God has not told me that I’m going to end up some old cat toting spinster. Committing my life to serving him doesn’t mean I need to be a spinster missionary either.

Relationships in general are another area where I need to trust him more/most. I think I’m trying to do that in steps that I can handle. I stopped being content to hang out all alone in my bubble months ago. Now I’m acting on it. I am now a greeter at church. I just joined a small group that meets ever Wednesday night. I have a friend now to do stuff with like concerts. I’ve gone to staff BBQs and I’m going to the Maui Writer’s Conference. I’ve been communicating with people here even though I deactivated comments on my primary blog… and great googly moogly, I’ve even talked to some people on the phone!!! Now… I’m opening myself up for relationship here by starting this blog. Sure, it’s only for 40 days… (40 Days of Purpose/The Purpose Driven Life)… but it’s a start.

Point to Ponder: I was planned for God's pleasure

Verse to Remember: Psalm 149a (TEV)

Question to Consider: What common task could I start doing as if I were doing it directly for Jesus?

Unless you read the book it's kind of hard to see how he made the leap to that question. His main point? I was planned for God's pleasure. According to Warren, God gave me my 5 senses so that I could experience pleasure and the reason he wants me to be able to experience pleasure is because I'm made in His image and He experiences pleasure.

So how can I please God? Given Bipolar Girl's checkered and plaid past... it's hard to think that I ever please God. My suicidal thoughts all those years couldn't have pleased him. My rageful temper can't be on the top ten list of things that please God. My addiction to porn didn't make that list either. When I do nice stuff I generally have an ulterior motive so even the good stuff I do is questionable. According to my criteria I'm screwed. If I look at it my way God would surely have to hate me.

Retraining myself to think the purpose driven way is going to take some effort. Warren points out that pleasing God is called "worship." Oh. I can do that. I love to sing and I have been trying to learn how to play my guitar for the last 12 years. I was a missionary... so that must have given him atleast a smile. I sang a lot whenI was a missionary too. Brownie points? Only if I opened my mind up to get Warren's next point: worship is more than music it's a way of thinking and a way of life. Anything I do, if I do it with a heart leaning towards God is worship. When I go into my classroom and I'm consciously teaching to please him, THAT's worship. When I go in there all cranked out thinking about how everything is getting ME down and how my kids are getting on MY nerves and how I'M not cut out for teaching... then my heart is not on God and my job is just a job that day.

SO what common task can I start doing as if I were doing it directly for Jesus? I know this might sound dumb... but eating. I've managed to eat myself into health problems because I eat when I stressed, bored, depressed, sad... any time but when I'm actually hungry. I've made some really positive changes this week and I can live with them. Jesus said, "Man does not live by bread alone but by every word that falls from the mouth of God." I've let food control me for far too long. I obey my cravings with a committment that I only wish I had all the time for God. I hate that WWJD slogan. What would Jesus do? It doesn't always apply. In this situation Jesus might just fast for another 40 days for all I know. In some instances, like this one... a better question might be: What would Jesus have ME do? I think he's already spoken to me through my doctors. They both say I need to make changes. So Lord willing... I will continue to make healthier choices when I shop and when I cook. Cooking as if I were cooking for Jesus himself? Something tells me that I wouldn't serve him up a plate of greasy fries and some blue cheese dressing and say, "Eat up." That was my dinner three nights out of four a few weeks ago. That's never going to happen again.

Point to Ponder:It's all for him.

Verse to Remember: Romans 11:36 (LB)

Question to Consider: Where in my daily routine can I become more aware of God's glory?

I had a hard time following what he meant by "God's glory" and "giving glory to God." I agreed with him that I give glory to God by woshipping him. I had trouble with the notion that I give him glory by loving other believers. I have gotten burned so many times by Christians I could be the poster child with Smokey the Bear for how to avoid fires. And yet this is a huge point. The rest of what he wrote in the chapter challenged me... and then the bull's eye that hit me on Sunday convicted me.

In church I've been feeling convicted... to get off the fringe and trust God to know what people he's put around me. I have to get out of my bubble. That's not enough though.I have to be willing and actively seeking relationships and this is hard for me. Being involved with people is messy. Feelings can get hurt. Communication can break down... but if done properly love can take root and grow. Warren says we give God glory by serving others. After years of never feeling like I fit in at any church that I attended or that I didn't have any talents or gifts to serve... I emailed the pastor's wife and told her that I'm a writer and would willingly write anything they needed. I was thinking bulletins or newsletters.

She wrote back and asked if I'd write dramas and skits to support the pastors messages. I'm floored. All these years of feeling like I had nothing to offer... when all I had to do... was offer. On that not? I can make time to see what God is doing, not just in my life but in the lives of others and write about it.