Day 14: When God Seems Distant 

 

 

Point to Ponder: God is real no matter how I feel.   

Verse to Remember:  Hebrews 13:5 (TEV)

 

Question to Consider: How can I stay focused on God’s presence, especially when he feels distant?

 

“God is real no matter how I feel??” Too often, that as has been more of a question than a statement in my bipolar world. God is real no matter how I feel...

 

That hasn’t been an easy belief to come by for Bipolar Girl. Feeling. That’s all I seemed to do the past 13 years. My feelings were out of control and the more out of control my feelings were… the less in control God seemed. I can’t count how many times over the last 13 years that I wondered if there really was a God. Surely God wouldn’t let my mind torture me the way it was. Surely if he were real and I was a true follower of His… then he would change things….make them better.

 

I couldn’t focus on God’s presence when he felt distant. I would focus on death and what a release it would be for me. Hebrews 13 didn’t seem to help much either. What good was it if he wasn’t leaving me or forsaking me…. if he was going to let me go through all the pain and suffering? I never came to the point where I actually denied God…but I spent many years wondering about him as I struggled against the darkness.

 

Yet, all these experiences have made me believe that no matter what changes in my life, he’s still the same. Despite all the pain and mental anguish, my faith is stronger now than it's ever been. I finally get the point: no matter how I feel God is still God. That’s one reason I go to the beach. I am able focus on his omnipotence and his unchanging nature. My problems seem so much smaller when I am standing facing the ocean. Rick Warren says to focus on his character and nature. The beach makes me think of God, the Creator. He made me. He knows how I work. Nothing that I do surprises him. When I am able, reading the bible helps me focus on his presence, as does praying and journaling. Warren also suggests “praying like David prayed.” David was a whiner. Looks like I’m in good company.

 

Mostly I just have to obey what I believe was the last thing God told me to do and trust that in his timing he’s going to show me whatever it is he needs me to see WHEN He needs me to see it.  I don’t want my faith to be at the mercy of my feelings. I do not want my feelings to dictate what I believe. It has to be the other way around and the only way to have a living faith that is real and growning is to use it.

me. Despite all the pain and mental anguish, my faith is stronger now than it's ever been. I finally get the point: no matter how I feel God is still God. That’s one reason I go to the beach. I am able focus on his omnipotence and his unchanging nature. My problems seem so much smaller when I am standing facing the ocean. Rick Warren says to focus on his character and nature. The beach makes me think of God, the Creator. He made me. He knows how I work. Nothing that I do surprises him. When I am able, reading the bible helps me focus on his presence, as does praying and journaling. Warren also suggests “praying like David prayed.” David was a whiner. Looks like I’m in good company.

 

Mostly I just have to obey what I believe was the last thing God told me to do and trust that in his timing he’s going to show me whatever it is he needs me to see WHEN He needs me to see it.  I don’t want my faith to be at the mercy of my feelings. I do not want my feelings to dictate what I believe. It has to be the other way around and the only way to have a living faith that is real and growning is to use it.

Day 13: Worship That Pleases God

 

 

Point to Ponder: God wants all of me.

 

Verse to Remember:  Mark 12:30 (NIV)

 

Question to Consider: Which is more pleasing to God right now – my public worship or my private worship? What will I do about this?

 

 

I would have to say that my private worship is more pleasing to God… but I think the true answer should be that they are both pleasing to him.  Too often I find myself worrying about my singing voice and what people think. I once had a guy turn around after a Friday night worship service and say that my voice was the sweetest thing he’d heard in a long time. How’s that for assisting in the formation of a REALLY BIG HEAD??? My mind wanders all over the paddock during worship like a sheep looking to graze. I get distracted easily. The woman two rows ahead of me who has both her arms raised and I can see the hole under her arm? The way the guy on the bongos is playing. The little kid that is laying down in the front row on the other side of the aisle. What I have to do after church. Sunday is not always a true time of worship for me and I’m done feeling guilty about my wandering mind.

 

Warren raised three points that stand out for me:

 

1. “Today many equate being emotionally moved by music as being moved by the Spirit, but these are not the same. Real worship happens when your spirit responds to God, not to some musical tone. In fact, some sentimental, introspective songs hinder worship because they take the spotlight off God and focus on your feelings. Your biggest distraction in worship is yourself (emphasis mine) – your interests and your worries over what others are thinking about you. (pg. 102)

 

2. The best style of worship is the one that most authentically represents your love for God, based on the background and personality God gave you. (God did not give me a hymn-lovin’ gospel-music-appreciatin’ personality). (pg. 102)

 

3. “There is no ‘one-size-fits-all’ approach to worship and friendship with God. One thing is certain: You don’t bring glory to God by trying to be someone he never intended you to be. God wants you to be yourself.” (pg. 104)

 

Bipolar Girl needs balance in her worship. My life has been so out of balance… and that has made me question the validity of my faith at times. I’ve wondered at times if some aspects of my religious walk have actually been manifestations of my mental illness. I cautiously approach “words” that I “get” from the Lord and don’t assume that every dream I have is from on high…. But I also don’t want to be really staid and emotionless in my approach to God. That is not the way that I’m wired. I have a lot of talents to use in worship that I don’t use in front of people because I’m overly concerned about what people think… so I know that my private worship pleases God more. I wish I could unbend and not care.... but I think the focus for this question shouldn’t be on either/or. I am worshipping God, both in public and in private because I love God. I think that counts more with him than anything else.

Day 12½: All Roads Do NOT Lead to Rome

 

 

Point to Ponder: I am as close to God as I choose to be.  

 

Verse to Remember:  John 3:17

 

Question to Consider: How do you know who to listen to and what to believe?

 

I found myself doing a bit of online research this morning on account of two books I’m reading. I’m reading a couple of books simultaneously as well as a few of the religious blogs here and a lot of buttons have been pushed on account of a lot of bold claims being made and a lot of fingers being pointed. If my faith wasn’t as strong as it is, at least one of the buttons could have the potential to have me doubt everything I’ve ever believed.

 

My journey to faith in Jesus started at the end of a rope. My pastor back at that time said that God hangs out at the end of ropes… because most people have to reach the end of theirs before they will look up to him to be saved. Two questions have always been on my mind regarding how I came to faith in Jesus. When I hit bottom I turned to the church because I’d had a church upbringing. I was scripture in action: “Train up a child in the way that he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.” I returned to Christianity, not because I’d ever been one before (I hadn’t)… but because my roots were in Christianity because I’d gone to church as a child.

 

But what if I’d bumped into a Jehovah’s Witness or Mormon or a Buddhist or a secular humanist when I was at the end of that rope??? I use those religions in my list not because I’m trying to knock them, but because they canvas our island. They openly approach people with tracts or offers of spiritual renewal. Ok… not the secular humanist. I don’t even know what that is. I needed something to round out the list. My point? I was emotionally needy and mentally ill. I would have been susceptible to just about anything if it held out a hand to comfort me. I turned to a Christian church because that was what I knew. It never crossed my mind to seek help at a Catholic church, not because I was anti- Catholic because I didn’t even really know what a Catholic was… it just wasn’t what I knew. Whatever training I’d received as a child wasn’t enough to stop me from doing my own thing all through college and into my early 20’s. That training wasn’t enough for me to see and accept Jesus, but it was enough to point me in the direction of true North when I was well and truly aware of the fact that I was lost.

 

So going on 13 years of walking with Jesus and I will admit that I have had all kinds of doubts along the way. Hell, I still read stuff in Scripture and struggle. My faith has faltered, stumbled, and almost completely petered out. I’ve gone through periods where I could think of nowhere else I’d rather be than in church hearing the word… and I’ve also had periods where I could think of 50 billion places I’d rather be than in church. I’ve wanted to literally inhale every word I could in my own bible studies over the years… and then there have been times where I have opened the bible and felt like I was starving… because the Word just went over my head and I couldn’t understand.

 

Every religion believes that it is the RIGHT one… that it is the religion that has all the answers. Narrowing it down from “all” religions, I think about my own. I can’t speak knowledgably about other religions, so I won’t even try. I sometimes question how knowledgably I can speak about my own, but I do know that within the Christian faith you have a bunch of different denominations and everybody thinks that the way their denomination believes and worships is the right/best way. There are so many competing thoughts out there and it’s hard to know what to believe.

 

My online research started with Loren Cunningham, founder of YWAM. I’m reading one of his books now too. Is that Really You God?   It’s about hearing the voice of God and seeking guidance from him. My experience with YWAM was not the best… but I don’t trash the organization. What I found online wasn’t news to me though. I’ve read information in the past, generally put out by former YWAMers with an ax to grind, that paint the organization to be just short of a cult. The information I found today online was bashing the book I’m reading. I’m only reading the book because my pastor assigned it as reading for the study we’re doing. I’m tempted to send the online link to my pastor and get his insight…but for now I have to think my own thoughts.  

 

I decided to Google Rick Warren to see what people had to say about him and was REALLY surprised. I was surprised to find many websites slamming him and his book. Given the fact that I read it the first time as part of a Church study that was promoted by my pastor back in California… it was hard to read what I was reading. One site was by a pastor who has even written a book about why PDL is not something Christians should read. Another site even went so far as to call people who read the book Purpose Driven PUPPETS! The more I read, the more I bristled. One of the major objections that I’ve uncovered is his use of different translations and paraphrases. He uses The Message. A LOT. I have a copy of The Message. It’s a modern day rendering of the bible in contemporary language. I was introduced to it when I was on the ship. I used to read it a lot. I don’t read it much anymore and  I definitely  don’t rely on it for serious bible study. I actually did object to Warren’s use of it so much in the book. But according to the detractors The Message and even the Living Bible translation are bad.

 

This made me think about all the controversy I’ve been reading about the NIV. I didn’t even know there WAS a controversy with the NIV until I read some blogs here. That’s the version of the bible I read. It’s what has been used in every church that I’ve ever attended. It’s what I understand. I do not understand the KJV of the bible but I don’t knock people who use it.  As I researched this controversy what I found pushed a HUGE button. Evidently, according to some, I don’t know God because I haven’t been reading the one true translation. And then there is the question about worship. That comes up in PDL and Warren made a point that I wholeheartedly agree with: no style of worship is more holy than another. It’s mostly about personal preference.

 

With all this other stuff bouncing around in my head the question of worship came up at work during devotions. One of the older staffers did her devotion on how hymns are making a come back and that they are more “spiritual” than contemporary praise and worship music. Can you sense me bristling? Bipolar Girl doesn’t do hymns. And as I did my research this morning I started to feel like the only way to “truly” worship God is to be in some stuffy room somewhere reading only the KJV or NASB while standing completely still singing hymns… without any real thought to your purpose or if God is REALLY speaking to you or not.

 

If the translation I’m reading is wrong and the songs I’m singing is wrong… what the hell am I supposed to read and sing? All the division within the church and the backbiting and the denominational biases are getting on my A-100% last nerve. I happened to channel surf past this program called “The Heartland.” Never seen it ever… and the guy was talking about how most Christians cannot defend the faith and don’t know their bible. I know my bible better than the average bear… but I do not have the temperament for religious debates. I don’t know church history and couldn’t name any prominent Christian leaders. And if ever asked to give a explanation of why I believe… it won’t be because I can argue stuff in the Greek. I didn’t come to know Jesus that way. NIV, KJV, NASB, LMNOP… I don’t care. Hymns? Sing if you want to.

 

I came to Jesus broken needing to be loved. He loved me in the John 3:17 spirit of the word. I don’t worship Rick Warren and I see his book as a tool. Could there be errors in it? Until Jesus comes back EVERYTHING MAN MADE has errors in it.  With all the button pushing going on I was tempted to just stop reading both books and then decided against it. I finished the Loren Cunningham book and I’m praying about all the stuff that it raked up for me. I thought about the allegations against PDL… and I’m still thinking. This is my 4^th time reading the book and I still haven’t found my purpose… so Warren’s claims aren’t valid in my case… but the book is a good tool. It makes me think and seek out things in scripture. It makes me pray and want to know God on deeper levels. Which brings me back to my original questions: I have to listen to God and I have to trust that He can reveal himself to me because I am honestly seeking him.

Day 12: Developing Your Friendship with God

 

Point to Ponder: I am as close to God as I choose to be.  

 

Verse to Remember:  James 4:8a (NLT)

 

Question to Consider:

What practical choices will I make today in order to grow closer to God?

 

The most practical choice that I could have made on Day 12 was to realize that I couldn’t keep up with this blog according to Rick Warren’s daily schedule. I just don’t process my thoughts that fast. So much was coming up for me this week that I really needed time to just let it simmer. Trying to bust out a post on his 40 day plan was starting to get to me… and two wise folks commented in this area on another post. I DO beat myself up a lot. I know it. What I’m coming to realize and accept is that it’s ok that I don’t move to the beat of somebody else’s drum. That doesn’t make them better than I am … and it doesn’t make me a loser. What might take RW 40 days to accomplish might take me 40 weeks, not because I’m lazy… but because I’m thinking. I’m also feeling and maybe the feelings coming up need time to exist before I chug on to the next feeling.

 

I think rushing to grow on somebody else’s time table has been what had made me feel like a failure many times in the past. The most practical choice that I made on Day 12 (which was 2 days ago) is that my “day 12” might actually have 72 hours in it instead of 24. Then a scripture jumped into my mind:

 

“But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.”

 

God doesn’t want me to rush through this stage of my growth any more than a parent wants their teenager to be in a rush to grow up. However long my “40 Days of Purpose” lasts won’t matter as long as I am seeking a deeper more meaningful relationship with God. So the most practical thing I did was to slow down. Having done that I’ve had time to think about what Warren said:

 

• I must be honest with God.

Tough statement since we’re also told in scripture to do stuff without whining and grumbling. Whining and Grumbling are my middle names… (Right after Ann-Marie). Bipolar Girl has had loads of guilt over the years because all she felt was depression and despair. I was supposed to be all happy happy joy joy. Surely God didn’t want my gripes. And along comes Rick Warren pointing out that it’s ok to have doubts and citing key biblical figures who doubted.

 “In the Bible, the friends of God were honest about their feelings, often complaining, second-guessing, accusing, and arguing with their Creator. God, however didn’t seem to be bothered by their frankness; in fact, he encouraged it.” (pg. 93)

 

Where was Rick Warren the year after I got saved? I thought I was the worst sort of Christian because I couldn’t scrounge up all kinds of warm fuzzies. My doubts would get the best of me and I would feel like I was failing at the Christian walk. And again, I ask where was Rick Warren… with this nugget: “Expressing doubt is sometimes the first step towards the next level of intimacy with God.” I don’t think all doubt is faith building… but when I’m willing to obey what I believe to be the voice of God despite my doubts, I’ve grown in my faith. God wants our obedience more than sacrifice and religiosity. Obeying him has often gotten me in trouble or brought me pain. That’s when the doubts creep in… and when I try to hold them in or deal with it all by myself … that’s when I strap on a seatbelt in the bipolar roller coaster.

 

 NEWSFLASH: GOD KNOWS MY THOUGHTS.

 

He knows I doubt and wants me to come to him… not my friends or colleagues… or even my blog. There IS a time for all of that… but God wants me to come to him first. Day 12 reading confirmed that. Other practical things that I can do right now? Continue in my Transformations study every Wednesday. Continue to go to Him with all my issues no matter how small, petty, or spiteful they might seem… and the big choice? I can choose to obey what He tells me the first time.

Day   11: Becoming Best Friends with God

 

Point to Ponder:  God wants to be my best friend

Verse to Remember: Psalm 25:14a

 

Question to Consider:

What can I do to remind myself to think about God and talk to him more often throughout the day?

 

In the book, Rick Warren starts out mentioning “constant conversation.” I never shut up. I’ve got this one mastered. I talk to God ALL the time because he’s the only person I know who LIKES to listen to me 24/7. I think that was one of the first things I connected to God over is the fact that I could talk to him anywhere at anytime and he would hear me. I think where I need to grow in this is that I need to listen to him more, especially when I’m starting to spiral downward. I need to cry out to him… but I can’t let my cries drown out his response.

 

The second thing mentioned in the book is “continual meditation.” I used to inhale my bible the year I got saved. It was like I was a bible junkie. Then again, I think I was sliding into a manic phase too… so the fact that I couldn’t sleep and just wanted to stay up all night reading my bible could have been faith with an equal measure of mental illness mixed in. But he uses everything, right? I used to write scripture on my hand. I started memorizing the entire first chapter of the book of James back when I had a memory. Now? I don’t inhale so much. Waiting to inhale? Excuses. I’m not sure what I can realistically commit to so the jury is still out on this question. I don’t like those “bible in one year” things that churches push starting Jan. 1… I need something structured or I won’t do it… but not too structured or I won’t do it. Hmmm…. Suggestions?